He is The New Improved Me!
He is upgraded and contains thirty percent
less sugar. He is packed with flavor,
stuffed with character but most of all. . .
He's F U N !
He's easy to assemble. Simple to break down
and stores in the smallest of spaces.
He is performance-guaranteed, factory-tested
and fully refundable.
The New Improved Me has a fixed
annual percentage rate
no annual fee and best of all. . .
The New Improved Me is pre-approved.
The New Improved Me has double
wish-bone suspension, anti-lock brakes
and a supplemental restraining system
instead of traditional air-bags.
The New Improved Me is infinitely
less paranoid and believes that fresh fish
is an essential element to a fully balanced diet.
The New Improved Me is, as they say,
taking charge!  He has an agenda. He is,
as they also say, now  pay attention once more,
BALLS TO THE WALL !
He has discarded his wallet and now carries
only a drivers' license (purchased separately)
and assorted change (not included) in the front
pocket of his black jeans.
The New Improved Me is easy to clean,
energy efficient and fully rechargeable.
He performs underwater at levels up to 100 feet
and can be operated easily by remote control.
The New  Improved Me is blue/green
algae high as a kite. He is sick and tired
and mad as a hatter in March.
The New Improved Me has arms
covered with freckles. Legs as fair as an angel's
and a head that takes a licking but keeps on ticking.
The New Improved Me will formally renounce
the one quarter of himself that is German.
And, in protest of World War II atrocities,
The New Improved Me will drain
two pints of blood onto the pavement
outside of the Manhattan Mercedes dealership.
The New Improved Me takes well to underground travel.
The New Improved Me is proficient at tennis.
He performs the melody part of Eric Satie's
Gymnopedie Number One at dinner parties
while drinking Courvoisier.
The New Improved Me is a bestseller.
The New Improved Me has been translated
into 17 languages and for the first time
is now available in paperback.
The New Improved Me is distilled
from 100% grain-neutral spirit
from a 1761 recipe.
The New Improved Me is imported.
The New Improved Me reinforces hair.
It provides maximum body when blow drying
and emphasizes the shape of a cut once dry.
The New Improved Me is covered in milk chocolate.
The New Improved Me is on Sale.
The New Improved Me has stopped
taking all kinds of shit. He calls taxi drivers "bastards"
and gives bike-messengers the finger.
The New Improved Me is bitter, hateful
and boiling over with resentment.
The New Improved Me is an impulse item.
The New Improved Me should be kept
away from small children and animals
at all times. The New Improved Me should be shot
if spotted. He must never be approached.
The New Improved Me is armed and dangerous.
The New Improved Me punts on first down.
The New Improved Me has been recalled.
The New Improved Me is riddled with factory
defects and poor workmanship.
The New  Improved Me is a lemon.
The New Improved Me is a pear.
The New Improved Me never found his Brian Epstein.
His George Martin called in sick.
The New  Improved Me needs a shave
and a haircut and a fire lit underneath his ass.
The New  Improved Me stays in cheap Motels
and drinks from paper bags in the lobby.
He stays out late preying on the elderly
and the extremely young. The New  Improved Me is a bully.
No two ways about it. A thief too.
A thief and a shit-kicker. A real piece of work.
He is callous and vile.
He belches just for the sake of belching
and he is proud of it.
The New  Improved Me is too self
critical. He doesn't allow himself to really live
and his internal editor has a hair up his ass.
He is a perfectionist to the point of perfection
yet his habits are sloppy and he is getting fat.
His ambition isn't what it used to be and he
was manufactured without foresight.
The New Improved Me was rushed by executives
uneasy about precarious overseas markets.
He was premature and not properly focus-grouped.
He is without a niche market
and production of replacement parts will soon seize.
The New Improved me is incapable
of a commercially potential thought.
The New Improved Me is incompatible
with previously released models.
The New Improved Me is a choking hazard.
The New  Improved Me is a victim
of himself. He is down by his own undertaking
and has been severely wronged by his own kind.
The New Improved Me was a box office
disappointment. His producers can now only
hold their breath and hope they make their money
back in foreign video sales.
The New Improved Me is without a traditional
three act structure. His characters are vague
and his narrative seems tangential and even episodical.
The New Improved Me fails to ever step out
of his shell. He is timid and non confrontational
to an excess.
The New Improved Me resides in the cut-out bin.
He is covered in dust and has been reduced
in price three times.
The New Improved Me can't write a pop song.
The New Improved Me is freeware
and may be distributed without charge.
The New Improved Me is an industry standard.
The New Improved Me is legacy.
They no longer build them like The New Improved Me.
The New Improved me is ten dimensional.
The New Improved Me was too good.
The New Improved Me wasn't good enough.
The New Improved Me was years ahead of its time.
Newspapers are now full of classified adds
placed by those trying to purchase used New Improved Me's.
At conventions The New  Improved Me
is placed inside a glass case next to Kiss and Brady Bunch
lunch boxes and antique Barbie Dolls.
The New Improved Me doesn't know when to stop.
The New Improved Me can't be stopped.
The New Improved Me is a complainer.
He goes on and on.
He can't be stopped.
He must be stopped.
The New Improved Me goes for millions
 at an auction.
The buyer, who prefered to remain anonymous,
was ecstatic.
The New Improved me is obscure.
A toy for the eccentric. An accessory
for the obscenely wealthy.
The New Improved Me best helps
those that are most needy;
those in the City shelter systems.
The New Improved Me has a belly
full of cotton candy and brie.
Just when you thought you were out
of the woods and it was safe to go back
into the water. . .
The New Improved Me has nine lives.
The New Improved Me has four wives.
The New Improved Me is a perpetual motion machine.
The New Improved Me can't be stopped
The New Improved Me must be stopped
The New Improved Me runs off jimmy-rigged
replacement parts. He is holding on day to day.
Each morning the New Improved Me
wakes in astonishment that he is still alive.
The New Improved Me is in retirement.
The New Improved Me longs to read
a good book. . . see a good film. He longs
to see an effective interpretation of his race--
of  his humanity.
The New Improved Me wants to cry.
The New Improved Me wishes to lose
his ability to speak. He wants to believe
in something, in someone.
The New Improved Me wants
to fall in love. The New Improved Me
wants to be conquered.
The New Improved Me wants to rule.
The New Improved Me wants his money back.
The New Improved Me needs a good nights sleep
The New Improved Me is just about finished. . .
Trying. . .
Wanting. . .
Trying. . .
.
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